Category Archives: Narcissist Behaviours

8 Signs You Might Be Dealing With a Psychopath

  1. When you live with a psychopath they will only be thinking of themselves. They love the feeling of angering people and feed on it like a drug. That’s why they create conflict at every chance they get. If someone you share a home with doesn’t do their own dishes, or their own laundry, or help with meal prep and yet expects you to be contributing equally to things like bill-payments, you just might be dealing with a psychopath.
  2. When you tell someone No, and then they wait a few days and ask again and you say No, and then they wait a few days and ask again and you say No once again, and then they wait a few days and ask again, as though it’s the first time they ever asked and your answer is still No, you might be dealing with a psychopath.
  3. If the person you share a house with eats a lot everything but refuses to get a job and contribute to providing food for the family, you are probably dealing with a psychopath.
  4. If the person you live with has done things which are offensive & crude during the week and then you try to ignore them so you can do things for the children on t he weekend and they “accidentally” touch you on your buttocks or breasts while you walk by, you are likely dealing with a sexually-perverted psychopath.
  5. If you’re driving in a car and the person you are close to is talking in an aggressive tone, talking about self-centered things which are distracting and confusing you and then something happens on the road, like a stone hits the windshield causing a lot of damage, but the person doesn’t see how their negative behaviour distracted you and caused the situation to occur for damage to the car, and refuses to help pay for it, you may be dealing with a psychopath.
  6. If the person you live with watches 12 hours of television, eats chips all day and then goes to bed, you might be dealing with a psychopath.
  7. If the person you suspect is a psychopath has a group of close friends or family who they confide in regularly to convey their version of events (however inaccurate or illusionary they are) and if those close friends or family believe that person’s lies and fabrications without consulting you or judging the situation for themselves, and they collectively turn against you and target you at “the problem” then you might be dealing with a psychopath.
  8. If a person you live with stands at a door, with their arms folded, staring at you until you respond to their unreasonable requests, you are likely dealing with a psychopath.

These are some examples of the kinds of traits you may find in a spouse who is a sociopath or psychopath. The key to identifying a psychopath is realizing that they are “in it” for the long haul. They play the long game. They play to the end. Knowing this you can adjust your actions accordingly and deal with their negative behaviours without allowing them to knock you down or knock you over. When you can flip every negative into a positive you’ll realize that no matter what they do they cannot take you out of your positive space.

Developing positive qualities, new capacities, strengths and skills allows you to keep moving forward no matter what you encounter on the way to achieve your positive vision for yourself and those you love.

Disclaimer: A Message About the Language of Metaphors in Dreams About Sexual Abuse

rear view of a boy sitting on grassland
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

September 29, 2018

Yesterday a post which was written last September in 2017 was published on this blog. For those unfamiliar with the language of metaphor used by dreams to communicate messages about transformation, the dream described in yesterday’s post may have seemed appalling, maybe even scandalous. The post is no longer visible on this website, but for those who did not have the chance to read it, in the 18 hours it was published, I’ll briefly describe that the dream had a scene of sexual abuse in it, with a mother sexually violating her daughter. Some might call that kind of dream a nightmare. These kinds of nightmarish dreams are one of my favourites to work with because they embody a high degree of fear & disgust. With daily attention and diligence, Fear & disgust can be transformed into Courage & Contentment.

Even though the dream scenario was a metaphor and to the best of my knowledge did not depict things which happened in the real world, the reason I decided to publish it is to initiate a conversation through this venue around the complex issues of sexual abuse of children and the society of secrecy which surrounds it.

adult alone anxious black and white
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Coincidentally, there was a show on CBC yesterday which I listened to while driving to work. The show featured an author who was originally from South Africa, and moved to Canada with her family when she was 10. Her book talks about her experience of racism and also of having been sexually abused by someone close to her family. What I found so interesting about her telling of these stories is that she said even when she was sexually assaulted at the age of 7 she knew to keep it a secret. She knew to speak of it would bring shame to her and “mark her” as tainted or spoiled in some way. When she experienced a racist incident at 10 she knew she could turn to her family for help and support. Instinctively she knew the difference between these two types of attacks and way her reaching out for help would be perceived. In the program she described that her father, an outspoken revolutionary, taught her to “not own” the problems of the racist. If someone is ignorant and acts out of a racist mindset, they must be held accountable for their actions. In that way, you give them their problem and do not own it.

But for sexual assaults, it is not so easy to disown the violence. Even as a child she knew to keep it a secret, that the man would not be held responsible, even if she reached out for help and in that way, she sort of “owned” his assault. She owned the problem. It wasn’t hers to own, but she did, because what other options were available to her? None.

The dream I shared yesterday was about this issue. It was about an adult in a position of trust manipulating those in the environment so that she could get away with violating the dignity of someone who she perceived she had power over. When a person perpetrates sexual assault they are trying to go for Power, power over the recipient of the attack, power over those who watch but do nothing, power over the situation which they want to control with a vengeance.

Since the dream was a metaphor, and not about a real life situation, what it means is that the dreamer has someone in their life who is saying things and doing things which are as violent and abhorrent as sexual abuse. To solve the problem in the dream, the dreamer must begin to see themselves as capable of driving the situation forward, out of the power struggle. The sexual assault happened in a car in the dream so that is a metaphor for the solution to drive forward and out of the power struggle.

photo of person driving
Photo by Peter Fazekas on Pexels.com

When I work with women who have experienced domestic violence and when I work with men who are in jail, I often see that the violence they’ve experienced or perpetuated has clouded their abilities to envision a positive future for themselves or others. Trauma has a way of doing this. The part of the brain responsible for responding quickly to threats is the small almond-shaped amegdala, which connects the temporal lobe of the brain and is responsible for fear & aggression. When someone experiences a high degree of fear, the amegdala is activated and a flight or fight or freeze response is triggered. One traumatic event is enough to rewire the brain’s fight or flight response but even more so when there is a pattern of abuse, such as with children growing up in abusive homes, or with women (and men) caught in domestically abusive patterns of behaviour in adulthood.

The work for someone who experienced abuse in childhood is to become conscious and “wake up” to the ways in which the abuse affected them and then change the negative emotions and patterns to more positive. It is more difficult work because many of the abuse scenarios may have happened before the age of 4 and are not a part of the individual’s conscious memories. This is why dreams can be very healing and therapeutic, because the dreams reveal the unconscious memories or fears which have been buried away for so many years.

Alternatively, if a person had not experienced abuse in childhood but had experienced it as an adult, their nightmares can be a direct result of that fear-filled experience and as they work through the metaphors they can process the negative emotions associated with the violence and they can take the lesson from the experience and develop themselves to be able to help others even more than before. The purpose of our lives is to continue to transform, to grow, to change, to evolve so that we can be ever-more capable of supporting and accompanying more and more people in their personal & collective evolution.

When the sexual abuse post was published yesterday there was not a lot of explanation about the metaphor so today I thought I would write more about it even though I am fully aware that our society is just at the very beginning of being able to speak of these atrocities with any degree of capacity. The “Me Too” movement has made great strides in this arena so in a small and trite way I’m addressing the issue of sexual abuse and the way it is handled by all parties through occasionally sharing violent dreams on this blog.

adventure baby beautiful blue eyes

  I have a very positive vision of the future where families are healthy and free of violence, where children are safe & protected and free from threats of all forms of abuse. When I write about things which are negative or difficult in nature, I do it to expose the Negative Truth. In this way, the lesson can be learned and more positive relationships can be developed. That is my aim. That is my intention. That is my goal. And that is the purpose of this blog.

My Dream of a Psychopath Covering Up a Death

June 10, 2018
Last night I dreamed of being in a large hotel-type place and I was in a room with an elderly woman who was handicapped physically but very alert & intelligent mentally. It’s not clear why I was there although it felt like she knew something about a crime her husband was involved in or something like that and I was getting info from her at the same time as helping her with some of her physical ailments.
Anyway, at one point she positioned herself on the couch in a bit of a contortion and she asked me to massage sore areas on her back which I proceeded to do (at that time someone came up from behind me but I didn’t pay them any attention) but then she turned herself around without alerting me and she lost her balance and she hit her head on the floor and when I reached to help her I could see the blow killed her. I quickly put her head back on the couch pillow and shouted to the front desk to call 911 even though I knew she needed a coroner not paramedics.
I stood up and went to the door and the attendant gave me thumbs up that paramedics were on their way and when I turned to look back I found that the elderly woman was sitting up in a wheel chair. She was fine. I was confused because she had been dead and I approached her cautiously and turned her around towards me. Then I saw the woman was black and shorter and was not at all the woman who I had just been talking with but the person in the room was saying this was her and I knew it wasn’t. On the one hand I was relieved because her not being dead was better for me because I didn’t want the questions from paramedics since I was the last one to see her alive. If she was not dead then I wouldn’t get questioned. But this woman was not the same woman and the man was up to some sort of hoax and he wanted me to play along. I was afraid of him and I had no idea what to do next and how to be prepared for when the paramedics arrived. How would I explain what was going on? They weren’t even trained to be able to really understand what I would try to convey. The man in the room was a psychopath and he wanted to make me look crazy. I was trying to think of how to tell the truth of what had happened without him harming me or the woman he was bribing to lie and i was wondering what happened to the real woman? Where did he hide her.
So this is another trauma-related dream coming from working with the prisoners. This is about the psychopath behaviour. They are very good at staying in the shadows and then messing things up when they think no one is looking. They also think they can get away with murder. In my dream, I saw the truth of the situation and was not going to let him get away with it.

When there is an abuse of power in a relationship it’s time to detach

16 September 2017

When there is an abuse of power in a relationship someone or both partners are seeking always to take over the life of the relationship.

Depending on the ego of the individuals involved the conflict patterns will vary.

But one thing that remains the same is that the negative behaviour is based on Fear.

Sometimes in a relationship, one or the other people take on the role of being the “fixer” so when issues show up then the “fixer” starts fixing. The problem with this scenario is that it keeps “the fixer” tied to the “breaker” in a negative way. And since it is the intention of the “breaker” to always keep breaking things, well then nothing can truly ever get fixed.

This can leave “the fixer” feeling depleted, embarrassed, emotionally drained and without a positive vision of where things can go next. It is common for empathetic people to be drawn to those who are perpetually negative because they always feel that they can help when in truth they can’t. This is such a big lesson to learn.

A relationship of this nature is not balanced or harmonious and it’s not good for either individual. It would be better for the empathetic and caring “fixer” to find ways to avoid the conflict, to avoid the negative behaviours and to surround themselves with more positive people who are not taking so much from the relationship.

How To Spot a Psychopath

May 12, 2018

The other day I posted about dealing with a psychopath but some people are just in the beginning stages of identifying that the person who has been a negative influence in their lives is actually a psychopath. To be clear, psychopathy is just a term used to try to understand a cluster of behaviour patterns which result in negative outcomes. Schizophrenics, Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can best be understood as being located somewhere along a continuum of mental disorders ranging all the way from being confused & disorientated to being aggressive and intentionally violent to others. The main indicator for anyone who shows signs of being categorized in any of these groups would be the issue of delusions. Schizophrenics might not make sense sometimes but they are not necessarily ill-intentioned. People in the ladder three groupings also have delusions but they also show intentional desire to cause harm to others and the history or capacity of doing so. The ladder

There are good questions you can ask your Self to discover indicators that the negative behaviour you are dealing with is coming from a psychopath. Why is it good to know the difference? When you know the nature of the negative then you will know the positive opposite solution.

If the person just has “ego issues” it means with enough positive encouragement and support they will replace the negatives with positives and a trusting relationship can be established & built on. When someone is a psychopath, they will never change, never become more positive, and are incapable of being in any sort of healthy relationship. When you spot the psychopath, it’s time to switch gears and deal with them differently. Detach from the negatives and move forward to achieve your goals.

If you find your Self feeling perpetually disappointed in someone’s negative behaviour and no matter the degree and duration of your positive encouragement, they still do really bad actions, and you find yourself continually re-evaluating the nature of the relationship with this person, it sometimes helps to frame their particular issues within a mental health context.

Lets look more closely at the spectrum and notice key similaries & differences.

Someone with schizophrenic tendencies can be seen as someone whose inner world is full of chaos and they can’t make sense of their inner perceptions. They may not make sense when they speak sometimes, may lose track of time, may have issues with commitment, etc. But generally, they display little to no intention to harm themselves or others.

A narcissist is a lot like a schizophrenic who has just learned how to make sense of their inner world based on a fascination with embarrassing others. They have somehow created a sense of Self built on humiliating others. They are usually high-functioning in society, may be a leader in an organization or church group because they know how to show one face in public & another one behind closed doors. Usually a narcissist will have one target and they “feed off” of the negative energy created with conflict with their target. The other key to their bad behaviour is using an audience to make the target look bad. Usually, if the target were to tell others about the negative behaviour of the narcissist the target will not believed because narcissists are SO GOOD at covering up their private negative behaviours.

A sociopath has qualities of a schizophrenic & narcissist with an added spice to the dish of embarrassment pie. As the mental deterioration of these individuals moves along the spectrum so does their willingness to harm others. Whereas a narcissist will be “happy” just to embarrass their target, a sociopath will not stop until they have not only embarrassed but also “damaged” the target. So this could be by setting out to destroy the target’s livelihood, their health, their community projects, their passions, etc. The other thing about sociopaths is that unlike narcissists, who tend to really thrive off of a lot of company with others, sociopaths really enjoy their “alone time.” It seems they need a lot of time alone in order to process their latest attack on their target and how to move forward next. A sign of a sociopath would be someone who can work in a very extroverted type career but then come home and need to isolate themselves and be really internalized for long periods of time.

In my experience, this isolation is because sociopaths seem to still have a degree of empathy and consciousness about the harmfulness of their actions and the alone time is to process and reflect. A sociopath who receives a lot of positive encouragement could actually learn to direct their skills in a positive way, and they would succeed in professions such as detectives, paramedics, fire fighters, police officers, etc. A high functioning sociopath, in the right environment, could be a healthy contributing member of society.

Moving along the spectrum to psychopaths brings us into the realm of people who have been so traumatized by early experiences and who have learned how to hurt others without remorse. This brings us into the realm of serial-killers and mobster-like criminal-mindedness. These people have a strong vision of their powerful desire for something, whether it’s money, or position of authority, or both and they will harm anyone who gets in their way. The two main things which seem to differentiate psychopaths from others along the spectrum is the persistence with which they go for their vision AND the degree to which they can destroy people along the path to that vision. Psychopaths don’t need recovery time the way sociopaths do because they do not feel remorse, nor do they have a consciousness, or regret any action they take. To a regular individual with a consciousness, the idea of a person without any remorse, can cause a degree of fear to come in. And that is precisely what the psychopath wants. He (a high percentage are male) uses the fear of others as an opportunity to advance and move forward. The greater the fear the better.

While it appears all other groupings of seriously negative behaviours have a degree of hope and potential for change, the only solution that works with a psychopath is to stop engaging in any meaningful interaction, build positive relationships with the others in the location, such as a work or family environment, and stick with it until the psychopath decides to move on. If he is not getting his “fill” of negative energy from the environment he will move on in time, his nature compels him.

There is a way to be very positive even in an environment with a psychopath and I’ll write more about that soon. For now, try to weigh the negative behaviours of the person you are dealing with against these indicators and see if you can figure out where they are along this spectrum because that will give you a clue as to how much effort to put into trying to save the positive goals & relationships in life.