Yesterday when I woke up at 11:30am my mind, body & soul felt rested. Finally! After the collision with the pole last January sleep evaded me more than ever before. I wanted to sleep and rest deeply but it was like reaching into the fog and trying to grasp it. Fog cannot be held in the hand and a deep restful sleep could not be had.
Immediately after the Ford Focus I was driving slid down a hill into a steel lamp post, every time I slept images of cars crashing clouded my mind. Cars crashing. Me tumbling to my death. My head getting smashed in or my body ripped apart. The dreams, haunting & horrible, continued nightly. Then I became aware of a troublesome tick in my leg – it would twitch when I was trying to sleep. As soon as I relaxed my body would flinch violently as though falling through the air or like a seizure. I’d shake aggressively out of my restless, nightmare-filled dreams with my heart racing, sweating. Dizzy from the shocking dream images I’d pull covers over my head and try to calm my mind & body with deep breathing and visualization. But the invisible injuries I was dealing with far exceeded my capacity to handle them with consistency. Sometimes I could calm myself and enjoy my day. Other times, the pain, shock, fear & trauma from the collision and the nightmares would saturate my day – making it nearly impossible to do much of anything besides lay on the couch, surrounded by cushions, pillows & blankets, watching endless episodes of Netflix specials and eating frozen food dinners which take 3-5 minutes to heat up.
On my best days, energy & enthusiasm would compel me out of my slumber. Thoughts & images would play out on the screen of my mind, giving me ideas & vision for what I wanted to do that day. But then, inevitably, the energy would drain from me, the brain fog would set in, and my ambitious plans would come to an abrupt halt, over & over again. This disappointing pattern repeated itself so regularly that I eventually stopped believing I could do anything I wanted to do. I stopped planning. I stopped making commitments. I stopped having any expectations for myself or my day or my life. Unfortunately, this frustrated, hurt or disappointed a lot of people who were counting on me for one thing or another but I had no control over what was happening and the only choice was to surrender.
Last night, in my dream, I was on a train, going somewhere I wanted to go. The details are not all clear to me but the sensation of movement propelled me forward in the dream and now that I am awake and writing I can still feel that sweet beautiful energy of progress. As I write, I’m tapping into that energy so that I can have flow; so that I can finish what I started.
Sometimes I wonder: what was worse? … The actual 2 minutes of the sliding & colliding with the unforgiving pole? Or the hundreds of thousands of minutes which followed … moments of reliving the event, or suffering the physical, emotional & mental trauma from the accident. Having a vision to do something and then not being able to do it made me feel … so powerless. I was alive, yes, but my spirit felt dead.
Yesterday though, yesterday was a beautiful day. Waking up with energy, clarity & focus felt amazing. I moved through my morning routine with grace & ease. I cooked. I cleaned. I worked out. I connected with friends. I took care of the pets. I rested. I ate well. I felt calm & peaceful. Now today the sensation continues. Calm, strong & grateful – I move forward into the day with an open heart, energized mind, and strong body. Ready to follow through with many tasks which have been waiting for me.
I’m getting there! Little by little, day by day, I’m getting there!