24 December 2017

Christmas seems to really bring out the best and worst in people. Many times issues which exist in a family all year ’round surface at this time. Sometimes there is someone in a family who is a covert narcissist. It means on the surface they give the appearance of being friendly and altruistic and in public have a very positive face but their deep self is troubled and disturbed so they have a very negative private face. This shows up a lot of times at this time of year.

When you identify what the narcissist in the family is trying to do to upset you then you can just observe the behaviour and detach from it. You don’t have to take their negativity into yourself and you don’t need to act or react to them.

Here are some things they may do and tips for letting them go:

1. Challenge – Being Deceptive Without Telling a Lie – When you call them on the phone they may have another family member in the room but when you ask how they are doing they may tell you something like, “Oh, my friend was here but she left,” to give you the impression she is alone. Then when you are having your conversation in truth there is someone else listening but you are not aware. This is a mind-game because there’s things that you would say in private with someone you are close with that you would not say if there was an audience. The narcissist is trying to mess with your perceptions of whether you are in privacy or public space. She is also trying to embarrass you.

Solution – Let the person know that what they did came across as deceptive and that you didn’t appreciate their dishonesty. Then get out of the conversation as quickly as possible because they will just try to use this as a hook to get you into an argument with them. Don’t fall for it. Let it go. Let them go. Forget it.

2. Challenge – They don’t Invite you to a Family/Holiday Gathering – What they are trying to do here is exclude you and make you feel lonely and left out. They want you to feel bad. This type of tactic is most likely some sort of punishment for what they perceive as bad behaviour on your part. They will use your absence in the gathering as further proof of your “badness” and as an opportunity to back-bite.

Solution – Tell them how it felt to be excluded from the family gathering in as brief and few words as possible. You aren’t going for an apology you are just making a blunt point so that the are aware that you saw what they did and you didn’t like it. Then, for real, as difficult as this may seem, you have to let it go. Don’t stay with the negative feeling. Let it go. And move on. Fill your day with things you enjoy doing and celebrate your own Strength, Enthusiasm and Joy. You can feel grateful that you are not trapped in an awful environment with them, with everyone pretending everything is fine. Be real. Be True to Yourself. Enjoy!

3. Challenge – They Go Behind Your Back to Communicate With Your Young Children – This one is hard to explain. Them talking to your children, or sending them money is not the/a problem. The issue is that a narcissist will do anything they can to try to rustle your feathers and get you upset. When you don’t get upset, that just keeps them trying and trying to do anything they can. The proper channels for a grand-parent to send money to their grand-children is through their own child. There really needs to be no other way. For the narcissist to go behind your back to find out when and where your child is when she is away from you is outright creepy and just disturbing behaviour. This has to stop IMMEDIATELY.

Solution – Since you likely have a better relationship with your ex than you do with the narcissist there is not a lot to worry about here. Just let the narcissist know you are aware of what they did and in a kind and firm tone tell them that you don’t like what they did and ask them to stop. If necessary contact the authorities to report staulking-type behaviour. No one wants to put out a restraining order on their own family member but if it has to come to that there are legal channels.

4. Challenge – The Narcissist in your Family Gives Gifts/Money to Your Sister and Your Daughter But Not You – Christmas is a time for sharing and gift-giving. Sometimes the Family Narcissist will use this as an opportunity to embarrass or exclude a targeted person in the family. If you have been at the bull’s eye targeted end of the narcissist’s attacks then it is possible they did something with their gifts to try to make you feel bad.  

Solution – Well, this one is simple really, even if it is not entirely intuitive. If you do not want or expect anything from your Family’s Narcissist then when you don’t get anything you will not feel frustrated or disappointed. Easy-Peesy Lemon Breezy. Besides, the holidays are more about giving and sharing than receiving so do your part to give and share where you heart prompts you and detach from the rest.

As you can see, every solution involves just detaching from the negative behaviour of the narcissist and focusing on the positives in your own Self and life. Stay out of the conflict by giving your fullest attention to the things which you enjoy the most and in areas where you are building up positive environments for yourself and others. Keep your Vision uplifted and clearly focused on the positive future and you will find one day what you hoped would happen one day is happening NOW. And you will find all the hard efforts worthwhile 1000x better than ever expected.