05 May 2017

The hardest part of looking at a dream is noticing where the biggest challenge is. But that is exactly what has to be done in order to really listen to the message of the dream. It’s painful but it’s worth it. My dreams last night were a mix of negatives and positives and the issue was clearly a lack of Confidence on my part which led to something negative happening.

The positives in the dream were really positive. I was in Toronto with my Taekwondo family. We were hanging out in an apartment in between tournament fights. The laughter, warmth and connection was so enjoyable. I noted that I hadn’t felt that in a really long time and I appreciated it.

This means that its easy for me to connect with others and to build long-lasting and positive relationships with others.

At one point, everyone smokes some pot and the room fills with smoke and the aroma of that. The metaphor for this means that I have the ability to get into high states with others. Its good for me to be reminded of this because a negative shows up in another part which reminds me of where there’s work for me to do.

In another dream that evening I enter into a barn with the orders to bring back the heard of large black bull cows to another barn & field. I enter with confidence, gather the bulls with a confident call and take one by its halter and start walking. I understand that when I lead one in this way they will all follow.

Half way between here and there, even though the bulls are not resisting and everything is going fine, I let go of the halter. With this freedom it lifts its head really high and this alerts the other bulls to change. I try to get the halter back but when I do I realize I am holding a large black horse. So I begin to lead it and everything is fine. We even jump over a few large puddles which a long leap that is quite freeing.

But then on the third puddle there is no synchronicity between the horse and myself and the horse stumbles on landing and its clear when he tries to get up that his limb is wounded. A vet appears immediately and I am afraid to hear the bad news that it has to be put down.

So the question I can ask myself is, “What makes me anxious when I am leading which causes me to lose confidence?”

What I realize is that the first time I was given an opportunity to lead which I didn’t feel ready for was when I was 18. It was at that age I started talking about having been sexually abused when I was a child by an adult I knew and trusted. When I went to Fort Erie’s Sexual Assault Center I received some counselling and then was quickly recruited as a volunteer. I was asked to lead a group for other teens who had been abused. I was asked to write for, edit and publish the newsletter and I was trained in answering distress calls from people who wanted to commit suicide.

I loved the work.

But soon after I published one of my first newsletters my abuser read what I wrote and told me it was not a good thing to write. So I stopped. Gradually I disengaged from that center entirely. Later, someone associated with that center who I had confided my abuse to met my abuser and they started dating and got into a relationship for a while. So that was really strange and broke my confidence in many ways.

So what the dream is reminding me to do is to not lose confidence and to instead get into the feeling of connection and connectedness which I still experience in many ways, despite having been betrayed by people I trusted in the past.

When I sit in meditation and bring the dream image to mind of being with people I know and trust and train with, then I can see where in my life today I can bring that positive feeling and I can move forward with the work I am doing today on blogging.

With this strong feeling of connectedness I find my words flow with greater ease and the vision of where I’m going is much clearer.

Letting go of the anxiety around leading a group when I feel unprepared helps me to stay Confident about the task in front of me and moving forward with ease.