I’m working on a book about personal transformation using dreams as the starting point to reveal how unconscious patterns are showing up and how to change them.
One of the chapters is Sex & Sexuality.
Here is an introduction to the ideas behind the transformation in the book.
Sexual dreams are very interesting because when people have them they often wake up with the physical sensations as if they actually had sex. Probably there is no other category of dreams that require the virtue of self-discipline and mental focus to get through to the message that the dream is actually portraying than sexual dreams.
Sexual feelings tend to be powerful and compelling. Many people tend to lose their minds and to act irrationally when they are taken over by them. The metaphor that underlies sexual dreams is intimacy which is the principle virtue for our age as human beings on the planet. The goal for humanity is worldwide intimacy or worldwide closeness so that wherever we go in whatever village or city we are in, we see others as if they are members of our family like a brother or asister. Intimacy in terms of the feelings of love for others is probably the most powerful of all of the positive characteristics of humankind because once you have it, you are willing to do anything for the other person in the relationship including sacrificing your life for them.
When you have a sexual dream, the first thing you should think of is intimacy, but probably not physical intimacy. Spiritual intimacy should take up most of our time and efforts because once we have unity and love and closeness, the other things like equality and equity follow. Justice is hard and painful when there is no love and intimacy in the society.
Sex with your Ex: This type of dream where you are having a sexual encounter with someone whom you have already broken ties with is extremely difficult to process. Sex with your exusually means that you are in a very addicted state of neediness for being touched and loved. The reason that you had problems in the first place with the relationship was neediness and wanting the other person to fulfill your needs, so when you dream about sex with your ex, you are going back to the place in your ego that is very needy in order for you to deal with it.
This is the biggest mistake that the majority of humankind makes. We believe that someone else is going to give us the life we want by loving us and acting positively toward us. The other person usually promises it and then your are eventually really stung in the relationship because there is only ever one person who can give you a positive life, yourself. The purpose of having sex in this type of dream is to remind you that despite leaving your ex, you are still addicted to having someone else do the same thing.
Almost every single thing we see in movies and television tells us that as soon as you feel attracted to someone you should go to bed with them. No one ever tells you that you should take a long time to assess the other person’s character to see if they have the qualities that make a relationship last for a long time. Furthermore, we aren’t being told that jumping into bed at the first sign of attraction is more like a drugged state, an addiction, than anything to do with true intimacy. No one ever jumps into bed right away with another out of altruistic motives. Jumping into bed quickly in a relationship is selfish because it is using someone else to make you feel good.
Sex with your ex in a dream means that in place of remembering your positive qualities and acting on them in the world, you are hoping to have someone else make your dreams come true. This is the myth that is killing most of us and holding us back from really creating an amazing world. So if you have sex with an ex, realize that you are in big trouble and need a lot of help.
Sex with the Same Sex: This does not mean you are gay. It has nothing to do whatsoever with being a homosexual. What it means is that there is a quality in the other person of the same sex that you want to have so badly that it is like having sexual intimacy with them. This dream type takes a huge amount of self-discipline to not slip into believing easily that there is something wrong with your orientation or that you should change it. Most sexual dreams have to do with gaining a quality that the other person has. If you are married, for instance, but have sex with someone else in your dream life, it does not mean that you should dump your partner for the other or feel guilty for having an attraction to the other. The dream is sending you a message about being attracted to the other’s quality so that you can develop that quality and use it in your life in a good way. Anyone who wakes up after many years of marriage and suddenly proclaims that they are gay is really living in lah-lah land. The important thing to remember about the dream world is that it is only ever really interested in your spiritual life and what qualities you are developing.
The problem that is so difficult to overcome for human beings is the tendency to try to get love from someone else. Love is an inside out process which means that as you feel positive and loving inside and then express it outwardly, great things happen including the feeling of closeness with others. When we expect others to give us love or complain that they are not showing us love, then we are going to always end up in a state of disappointment.
The self discipline of life is to reach out with your gifts in an effort to be of service to others. When this is the state we live in, then positive feelings come back to us in abundance, but the very moment we start expecting it from others is when we get into the slippery slope of addiction and pain in our egos. It is one of the great paradoxes of life that you can give out a lot of love and then have it returned, but you cannot expect it to be returned nor given to you. I am not quite sure why we are wired this way other than the fact that every new undertaking that we initiate is usually met with disdain and rejection. When you expect or desire to be loved for what you are doing, you meet with a great deal of disappointed feelings. When the love is generated from within for a new idea, for instance, that love and the vision of it actualized in the future is what sustains the efforts in the present tense despite the rejection. It helps us to remain detached from the reactions of others while maintaining a great deal of action.
Young people’s sexual dreams: The main issue with most young people in relation to sex and dreams is that the curriculum in schools and relations in families are about as far from being spiritual intimate as one could ever imagine. I think that whoever invented the current structure of schools had no idea whatsoever in anyway about true intimacy because schools are by and large created to promote distancing rather than closeness. When the curricula eventually changes, which it will, young people will be so close to each other that they will willing give up their lives to assist anyone in trouble. The way they are designed now is to stay so distant from each other that you are capable of screwing someone without any feeling and that is the sexual metaphor of our time, to get pleasure out of screwing someone else.
That last sentence came out somewhat strongly, but it illustrates the current reality of our times.