2014/09/21
first day on a new job at cps
4 years in prep
camp owners preparing for the season
woman arriving to pick up a donation
riding in the car with J.H. –
his parents split and i was offering encouragement
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First day at CPS and I thought it went well. The boss seemed pleased but also dis-satisfied a bit. When questioned about this, he revealed that they prepared for this day for 4 years and it was the first day there was income generated so I admired his perseverance and all that he had invested in the equipment and building and staff to get it to this point. I could see he had hoped for just a bit more revenue than what came in but knew more would be coming.
I’m standing in a family camp setting. The directors are getting over-run and not finding joy in the activity anymore. I’m looking for a way to help and see nothing clear. Then a woman approaches me chatting about something or other and it becomes clear that I’ve given her bread every week for a long time and she’s come to pick it up. So I don’t know where the bread is for her but I now have a task to go for and know i’ll keep giving her bread so long as she keeps coming back asking for it.
I’m riding in a car/van with a few others and one is J.H. from elementary school, grade 2/3 ish. in the dream he has told me that his parents split up and i can see it has really devastated him. i offer some words of encouragement and kindness as i lace up my shoes (which remind me of skates). we arrive where we are going…it feels like cps…but am not sure.
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dictionary
cps – work that went well, work related message in the dream
boss/k. – authority
4 – strength
family camp – outside is outside myself…this camp was poorly run
impoverished woman – symbol of powerlessness
bread – the thing that kills me is the thing others “live” off of and is a symbol of life for them
car with J.H. – where i’m going is like riding in the car with him
J.H. – he and his family had a quality i liked and wanted when i was younger. his parents spent their money on developing youth-related projects in the community, when we were kids I saw he was the kindest one in the class and never said a mean word to anyone, but also i could not figure out how to be his friend….i know now its because i was the mean one.
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theory
these dreams were hard to recall, kept flashing in and out…it’s something that’s not easy for me to look at
the dream wants me to get to a place where i can see the virtue in someone’s action even when it is not displayed obviously or consciously by the person.
the problem is i have this belief from childhood that if i do something good or if i go for something good the results will be good. i am still like waiting for something good to happen, like johnny hirons being my friend. in the dream his parents split and this is symbol that what i remember as “looking good” doesn’t even exist anymore so I am “going for” a mirage. in order to advance in work and wealth i will have to give up this belief and the feelings and thoughts and actions which go along with it.
it may feel like a part of me is dying as i detach from that old belief structure that worked well for me as a child but is no longer useful. now what is useful is the connections made with people and offering encouragement is like giving people their daily bread. it is like keeping them alive. and when i can do that then i can see the true spirit of someone’s actions/virtues and not just the surface.
shoes like skates are like being able to glide easily on ice to get to where i’m going.
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practice & application
even when i write his name i hear a sing song, like “the guy who had it all” and it wasn’t in the way of “prom king” all, it was the way his parents helped people that was so wonderful. so this is telling me i wont’ get to my way of helping others the same way that they did. their way is divorced.
my way is by giving people bread which kills me and keeps them alive. that is the big problem.
From a spiritual standpoint, death of self is good, and that is how we grow and my spirit can say “ah! bread! life!”. so when applied in that way it makes sense and brings joys. But this bread symbol, in physical reality, has caused so much pain, suffering, fear, confusion, and harm…my choice would have been to never mention the word again, it is like that. so but it is very clear that i cannot just not mention it…that because others need it and are sustained by it it is my duty to share it, even though it causes me death at the very same time.
where is the biggest issue with this at work right now?
there are two big issues where this applies, one work/Baha’i related and one work/school/ymca related. the old me would have wanted to solve the Baha’i thing first and in fact is easy and exciting to do that…but the new me sees i really am being asked to do stuff here at ymca in this role with S.H. and i really can’t avoid it any longer. write a letter to his psychologist, send my resume to his parents and the school, follow up with conversations outside of the class regarding 1:1 support they’ve asked me to give, and creating an IEP for SImon that can be implemented in the meantime. It’s really clear what I need to do next…a part of me is really resisting it….because it’s too good to be true, perhaps?
my fear is that i will do all this work to do what i’ve been asked to do and then either get another job and leave for the money or be offered money to do this job which is scary because it will mean things are working out in this new way of doing things. I am afraid of myself. what is the biggest fear about myself?
the biggest fear showed up in the dream as the old camp directors running an old camp. i can say this brings up strong feelings of anger, powerlessness, in that someone had something so wonderful that they didn’t take care of and now there is nothing left to do to fix it, it just has to be let go. this fear is when i have worked so hard on something and then arrived and found no one was commited or the results were less than expected…which is like kenny’s feelings on the first day after 4 years of planning.
so the dream wants me to get to a place where i can see and appreciate that even if the results are less than expected it is okay because it is just the first day (like starting in last place) and at least it was a start.
really big emotion of grief comes up here and I just do the deep nose breathing to work through it…okay, going to go inside and sit with this…it’s a big one….tears….and laughter at the same time….
in my mind i can see so clearly what i can do for these documents with simon…but when i go to consider when during the day i would do this it feels so overwhelming….i do have time….and i do have opportunity to keep gracie busy with something/someone else while i work…so really i just need to do it today, this morning, so that it is done.
This is the first time i’ve felt the “positive integer” feeling consciously…it came over me like a wave and i felt full and energized and capable to do this thing which feels scary but is really manageable anyway.
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(This is the first draft of a book I’ve been working on since 2009, with a working title “1008 Dreams & Solutions.” It is a glimpse of one of the pages of the book – with spelling, grammar, and style errors! In time, it will be edited for ease of reading and included in a fully published format. You are invited to read it now or read it later. Your choice! This is an innovative way of publishing I like to call a “rapid agile release” meaning I’m thinking with agility and releasing a document with errors intentionally, just to get it out there. I’m letting you know what I’m doing so you are aware that I am aware it is “not perfect.” I’ll share here when the final draft is ready for publication and purchase.)
Dreams For Healing 