In the very beginning…
(Dear Reader, This blog features many actual email conversations between Richard and I between 2009 & 2015. They are edited for clarity and brevity and published with permission They reveal several key re-occuring issues I had at the time and how I implemented strategies to somewhat miraculously create a new life for me and my daughter.)
I have been receiving a dream that keeps repeating itself and growing in intensity. Although I have been trying to interpret it myself I think there is something I am missing and the dream I had last night prompted me to write to you.
The repetative dream I keep having is about me and my daughter. In each dream she is talking so much and I become very angry with her. In each dream I am violent to her to get her to stop. I hit her, slap her, or put my hand over her mouth sort of suffocating her, or even put my hand in her mouth. She always resists. Never stops and it makes me more and more angry. The dreams just end with me doing these horrible things.
So this is not at all the way that I parent. I know that dreams ARE SYMBOLIC and that this is A METAPHOR. But these dreams fill me with fear and it is really hard to even share that I am having these dreams. However, I have learned so much from your interpretations and I do believe that the dreams are teaching me how to be more Peaceful. Actually, these dreams remind me of how I felt when I was Grace’s age.
Some adults “smothered” (metaphorically and sometimes literally) the way I am smothering her in the dream. I suspect I still have pain here (trauma) and some forgiveness is needed.
But why in the dream is it me being violent to my daughter instead of me as a child? It has been my life’s passion to be a loving and nurturing parent, to have a peaceful and spirit-filled home. But is the dream telling me if I don’t change some things the consequence is that I will have a negative impact on my daughter the same way adults had on me?
Well, I am sure my emotions around this topic prevent me from gaining the insight. I’ll pray for detachment and in the meantime await your response.
Last night, I prayed before bed and reflected on my current waking life situation with Grace. I prayed for guidance about how to understand what the violent dreams are telling me.
Then I dreamed this:
Grace and I were at an amusement park and were going down to see the whale show. The bleachers were set up beside the ocean. We go down there and there are three orca whales that are interacting with the people in the front row. They are playful and beautiful. So magestic. Grace comes down and is in a great mood then she just jumps right into the water. I’m not concerned at first. I know she can swim. But then instead of coming up to me she swims farther into where the whales are swimming and even past them. A lifeguard jumps out to get her. The whole audience is hushed as they wait. The lifeguard gets her and brings her back. She had swam very deep and very far away. Never coming up for air but not appearing to struggle. I hold her and hug her and say ‘Oh my girl. I love you so much. You scared me.” She doesn’t understand what the big deal was. I don’t know what to tell her.
(In the time when the lifeguard is swimming out to her and the audience is hushed I am feeling ashamed that she just jumped like that and I didn’t protect her. I feel that the audience is judging me and that it appears she doesn’t respect me.)
Thank you Richard.
It is nice to hear from you. In the first dream you can think of yourself as your daughter, while in the second dream you can think of your daughter being you and it being her.
In the first dream you (as your daughter’s age) want to speak, but you as the mother want to her stop in a violent way. So you can say that you are violent with yourself from speaking out more probably in a positive way about the big dreams you have and the things you want to do. The second dream is clearer about it. You have 3 big dreams (goals in your life) which are symbolized by the 3 Orcas and at first you can just dive into to achieve them, but then you get fearful of going too deep and too far and begin to panic so you send out the rescue to get yourself back to where you are right now.
The way you are raising your daughter and leading your life is allowing her and you to have big dreams and to go for them but you are fearful of going too deep and too far so then you do everything you can to stop them even being violent as in the first dream. The fear began at the current age your daughter is and that is why you are violent to shut it down because you are so fearful that something bad is going to happen to her because something bad happened to you at that age.
So you can say that you are doing a wonderful job raising your daughter and that is leading her and you to be able to have big dreams and aspirations, but there is a fear that something bad is going to happen that keeps you from going after the bigger things and thus encouraging her to bigger things.
As soon as you address the fear you can be thinking much larger about your life.