In the dream, a person has visited the house. But this is not my house. It has the feeling of the old farmhouse but even worse – it’s not mine, even though I”m acting like it is. What I mean by that is that even though I was in it, I had the feeling like I was trying to pretend that I knew the house, that is was mine. So right from the beginning, sitting on a couch beside someone I’m thinking “who is she?…why is she here?…what does she want???…and there is nothing in the space for me to connect and ground with. I think at first I thought she was in the wrong house, got the wrong person but then she kept asking questions and wouldn’t leave.
So then it happens that we go into the kitchen. Gracie is hungry. I don’t like this kitchen, don’t like the food that’s in the cupboards, don’t like the way the woman is looking at me, but I get that she is observing me like a CAS worker feeling. But at the same time I realize that she also finally picks up that she is also in the wrong house, that she has to go. The energy shifts and it’s lighter. So I”m feeling really aware of everything I say and do, how I speak to Gracie, and how it will be perceived. I open a cupboard and am looking. It’s all boxed and canned food and I hate it all. I can’t think about what we have that we can eat. The woman is talking and making excuses about why she was here and how come she has to go now. She says she can see my schedule is full and she is sorry to bother me, etc.
But at the same time she says that I also “lose it” internally – I can’t think of food, I can’t think of what to say to Gracie, I feel so guilty for not being a better mom, I feel so tired, I feel so disconnected to this stupid house and want out but don’t want to tell her it’s not my house otherwise it would look bad, and I just want to collapse on the ground – but I get that would be “soggy back pack” so instead I just turn and lean against the counter and I take a few deep breaths. This signals to Gracie to back off and the woman too. It gives her an out. She says she can see I have a lot going on and she is sorry to bother me.
I’m alittle annoyed now that she is leaving because it just starts to get better. Once gracie backs off and I breath I can think of what I want to eat. Gracie pulls down cat food and for a moment I had even thought of eating that. but then I say No there is something better. I start to pull out things from the cupboards with an idea. Also I figure what to say to Gracie to stop her – I had said something earlier like “get out of my head” and I had thought that was a mistake but it actually worked and the woman nodded and took notes. She seemed to like what I was saying and doing, taking notes and smiling.
This dream seems to be about the remembered state when you were really at the lowest low of being poor. It was like you were in a borrowed self. Now you can change this dream by thinking about how you really want the house and imagine living in it each day fully. Think of it more in superlatives to the degree that you can. What is the best house (self) that you can imagine?